Tuesday, November 23, 2004
Jesus the pit bull warrior.
If someone (say, the editorial director for one of the country's largest newspaper chains) should happen to suggest that conservative Christians are being unfairly persecuted and called hateful things like "the Christian right" (Gasp! Has it come to that? The indignity!), well, I'd just like to point out that those of us over here in Gomorrah are partly responding to things like the aggressive chauvinism of self-proclaimed Christian bulldogs like radio host, jock theologian, and shark master Doug Giles:
As I see it, a Christian without a Pit Bull Attitude is a Poodle Christian. What a terrible fate, to be a poodle Christian. A pit bull Christian is a hero and a champion, braver than the bravest, one who laughs at difficulties, dangers, and death.
The poodle Christian runs to his air-conditioned doghouse when it starts to get “hot in the kitchen.” Sweetie poodle Christians fear they might lose the curl in their hair if they get too close to the flame . . . too close to the front of the major spiritual and moral battles of the day. Therefore, the poodle Christians choose to hang out within the stained-glass-tinted windows of the Church instead of going out into the real world to confront secular monsters. Yes, the call to battle always seems to find them at covered-dish dinners. . . .
It’s time to put down our pusillanimous poodle proclivities and start taking onboard a pitbull-esque tenacity . . .
(Ha ha ha! I bet the poodles love organ music and choirs, too. I can't wait until the great and terrible day of the Lord when Superjock Jesus kicks the meek in the ass. That will be awesome! And don't you just love conservative alliteration?)
You're right, Scripps Howard editorial policy director Jay Ambrose: "Evangelicals can be liberal and they can be conservative, and even the conservatives are not all of one mind about political issues, although most certainly believe in assisting the poor and probably none wants a theocracy." When I condemn the "Christian right," though, I'm not thinking of you and your poodle friends ("who could be described as literalists on such matters as the virgin birth of Christ and who are also extremely well-read and sophisticated"); I'm talking about the pit bulls — and the national political party that sends flyers to several states claiming that liberals want to ban the Bible. The world has surely never seen people as marginalized and oppressed as conservative Christian white guys. Poor babies. If we had known how easily your feelings could be hurt, we would never have called you Christians in the first place.
Copyright © 2004 by Philocrites | Posted 23 November 2004 at 5:36 PM