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Tuesday, April 12, 2005

Idaho legislature: We're no 'freakin' idiots.'

Fans of Napoleon Dynamite, the Legislature of the State of Idaho joined you in a resolution adopted unanimously last week:

WHEREAS, the Preston High School administration and staff, particularly the cafeteria staff, have enjoyed notoriety and worldwide attention; and

WHEREAS, tater tots figure prominently in this film thus promoting Idaho's most famous export; and

WHEREAS, the friendship between Napoleon and Pedro has furthered multiethnic relationships; and

WHEREAS, Uncle Rico's football skills are a testament to Idaho athletics; and

WHEREAS, Napoleon's bicycle and Kip's skateboard promote better air quality and carpooling as alternatives to fuel-dependent methods of transportation; and

WHEREAS, Grandma's trip to the St. Anthony Sand Dunes highlights a long-honored Idaho vacation destination; and

WHEREAS, Rico and Kip's Tupperware sales and Deb's keychains and glamour shots promote entrepreneurism and self-sufficiency in Idaho's small towns; and

WHEREAS, Napoleon's artistic rendition of Trisha is an example of the importance of the visual arts in K-12 education; and

WHEREAS, the schoolwide Preston High School student body elections foster an awareness in Idaho's youth of public service and civic duty; and

WHEREAS, the "Happy Hands" club and the requirement that candidates for school president present a skit is an example of the importance of theater arts in K-12 education; and

WHEREAS, Pedro's efforts to bake a cake for Summer illustrate the positive connection between culinary skills to lifelong relationships; and

WHEREAS, Kip's relationship with LaFawnduh is a tribute to e-commerce and Idaho's technology-driven industry; and

WHEREAS, Kip and LaFawnduh's wedding shows Idaho's commitment to healthy marriages; and

WHEREAS, the prevalence of cooked steak as a primary food group pays tribute to Idaho's beef industry; and

WHEREAS, Napoleon's tetherball dexterity emphasizes the importance of physical education in Idaho public schools; and

WHEREAS, Tina the llama, the chickens with large talons, the 4-H milk cows, and the Honeymoon Stallion showcase Idaho's animal husbandry; and

WHEREAS, any members of the House of Representatives or the Senate of the Legislature of the State of Idaho who choose to vote "Nay" on this concurrent resolution are "FREAKIN' IDIOTS!" and run the risk of having the "Worst Day of Their Lives!"

NOW, THEREFORE, BE IT RESOLVED by the members of the First Regular Session of the Fifty-eighth Idaho Legislature, the House of Representatives and the Senate concurring therein, that we commend Jared and Jerusha Hess and the City of Preston for showcasing the positive aspects of Idaho's youth, rural culture, education system, athletics, economic prosperity and diversity.

BE IT FURTHER RESOLVED that we, the members of the House of Representatives and the Senate of the State of Idaho, advocate always following your heart, and thus we eagerly await the next cinematic undertaking of Idaho's Hess family.

In other exciting Napoleon Dynamite news, the Boston College student newspaper ran a fine April Fool's Day story about Napoleon's post-graduation plans: "Tetherball Champ Picks BC: Dynamite Admires 'Sweet Jumps,' Plots Possible Political Plans." Highlights:

His first goal is to improve the food available in campus dining halls. "Where are all the flippin' tots?!" Dynamite screamed when he visited McElroy last week. "All these decroded pieces of crap and no tots ... not to mention quesa-dilluhs!"

Fortunately for the BC tetherball team, the lack of tater tots was not enough to change Dynamite's decision to attend BC.

Dynamite also has big plans for improving student life in the residence halls. He thinks that all vending machines should dispense tubes of ChapStick, and he wants to find a way to bring his pet llama named Tina to school in the fall.

"Sometimes that fat lard can give me, like, the worst day of my life ... but if I had a llama ... I could get like, infinity hot babes at BC," said Dynamite.

(The Heights 4.1.05, reg req'd)

Copyright © 2005 by Philocrites | Posted 12 April 2005 at 6:03 PM

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